Have decided to put everything behind me. And to awake from the perfect picture that my heart wants to paint for itself. Maybe i was just in love with the idea of her and i don't know the details of her. I can't just expect her goodness to rub off on me can I?

Here's a verse to remind myself of my inadequacies as a good and responsible life partner. Everythime i feel like i need someone in my life, I'll get bitch-slapped by this poem. Guys, are u feeling stressed yet? hah.


A Woman's Question
Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life--
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts--
I look for a man and a king.
A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

Nothing's changed. Everything's the same.
the lack of change is always in my game.
when everything's said and done
u just wish the end would come.

unable to move on,
trying hard not to be forlorn.
how long has it been,
i've lost count of the days and months.
its like that the same time of the year,
when the school term comes to end.

spring is over, summer is here

even with the bike, its hard to shift the focus
damn these emotions.
just leave me alone.
why must i feel the way i do?
fucking stupid - the way i waste my time and efforts on her...
i've been looking for a replacement distraction
but there ain't none as worthy
who am i to talk of worthy when there's nothing to talk abt in the first place?
beats me.
there'll be a time to lick my wounds and grow stronger.

spring is over, summer is here

~the emotional rollercoaster~

tried to call her twice on fri and left a sms. nothing was heard from her till sat where she unfortunately bumped into me and my fren tuanging at the bus blk lobby when we were having our LTB show and tell. I think she rather reluctantly walked over to make some small talk. Then she went up to see the carnival. She was having some gospel relay thingy with the CF-ers.

Had a bbq at a fren's place later that afternoon. She came later in the evening afer going to church. I felt that she didn't want to extend her conversation with me. Was rather cold towards me. I dunno. really dunno anymore.

Today, once again i really wanted to tell her. I tried calling her twice. at 3.15pm and at 5pm. well it's close to 9 and there ain no reply yet. i feel such burden on my chest and i can't think of anything else. If its meant to be beautiful, then why does it hurt me so?

I wanted to get it over with. i know the answer. i know where i'm heading. Spare me the anticipation. End my misery now. Bleeding away, i grow more weary of this emotional rollercoaster that she may or may not be unwittingly left me on.....

Thank goodness i've got my ciggs and alcohol to take the pain away later tonight.

*waiting to be in state of nonchalance

Top Of the World , Over the Moon

Wed 28/02
Asked her if i cld call her after telling her that i feel like a madman talking to myself when i'm chatting online with her. "sure" she said. She said she'd call instead. 49mins of bliss. haha tokked much abt nothing, NS, bikes, askin me to perform a song for her after hearing i preformed in pri sch and bmt, she called me, pretending to be a starhub person telling me my line's gonna be cut off. 49 mins and i forgot my mission: ask her when is my treat gonna be.... *shakes head

well. hope my song's nearer to perfection so that i can play to her on v dae/ windsurf day. how am i gonna pull her aside, and gather all that guts? and half a dozen roses..... hope i dun cop out man......

anyway, tokking to her gives me such a happy vibe. grinning like an idiot from ear to ear. Any ideas people? help!!!!

Friday Patron's Day

Took part in the tug-of-war for both the Mens and Mixed categories. Represented the Rugby team and kicked the Changi Boys' ass twice. Guess who made up the Changi Boys? Them boys from Hendon Camp. That felt better then the prize money of $20 bucks each. My frens and i also joined in as team "Faggots" in the mixed category. we won too. $40 bucks! money for a helmet hahahah. she had a lil performance with some band, playing some shaker thingy. she looked damn sweet lah in white and all.

After that i had some prize giving ceremony, poured champagne into a trophy and drank from it haha macam world cup. Then i had to run around with two helium ballons as my tits, a helmet over my face (full-faced) and a styrofaom guitar (from a float competition) and ran ard like an idiot. in front of her too. hahah
there was a foam party without alcohol went in with frens but she didn't come in cos she was in white... haizz

Saturday Godsis' BBQ

had a bbq, godsis tried to hook me up with this chick doing some occupational therapy thingy. was too shy to talk to her. she came up to me to talk. but it was damn wierd whenur church frens , godparents and godsis are egging u on. but really, i was just hooked onto someone.damn.

Sunday Flea Market in skool

she was there but i had already left. was raising fund to start the catholic society in skool. oh well. talked to her at night (online) i asked if i cld call her, she said no. haiz.

Monday

sat beside her in the library. talked to her for a while. abt bikes, abt her new laptop. touched her head while talking.... where did the balls come from man? i sure wished they came more often.

Episode X : A New Hope?

Called her for the first time today. was after my Debrief for the Adventure Jamboree ( some one day camp for JC ppl).
It rang like 5 times then i hung up (Talk abt hum chee). She called back. She said i wasn't doing a good job disturbing her. (I told her i would call her instead of SMS-ing her cos she takes too long to reply and to disturb her from her sleep). Talked a lil kok. Wasn't much but was happy. She was like already at the busstop, but i din have a chance to talk to her cos my bus was here.

Right now i'm tearing the skin of my fingers trying to learn to play the guitar. (all because she thought some guys who preformed at the lobby of the bus Block were cool) Anyway it's another skill that i shd have picked up to impress them gals. That and cooking.

I feel a lil hopeful now but will she avoid me again? A close fren of hers told me that she was afraid to be left alone with me last year when i was mounting my attack.... think i have to stop behaving like an Infantryman and quit "charging"......

High and Dry

Blog was dead for a long time. I've finally decided to update it after almost all of Membas have a blog now.
The vacation was a blast. althogh i didn't do much.

Main highlights of the vacation:

1. Beach party at an undisclosed location. This time Membas ( yes, all of us finally) had swollenblink and Mr Army Regular. Was damn drunk, puked like 3 times. After 5 years of not puking, i realised why i dun drink so much.

2. Went to phuture a few times. She was there too once, came late, left early. drank coke. hated my Kilkenny. But she looked fabulous!!! So much for forgetting abt her. It's coming back to haunt me. Will it ever go away?

3. Christmas was boring. Went to queensway to finally get my engineered jeans. went home for dinner with the folks. then to church. saw couples everywhere. made me feel even worse, more aware of my loneliness. The void within was slowly growing.

4. went to a fren's place for a christmas gathering. saw Her again. Head over heels again. she was beside me for a brief period of 5 minutes cause i was late for the lunch thingy. A fren who knows abt my thing for Her said we looked compatible. More wishful thoughts.....

5. Asked her out on new year's eve. was already out with frens. she mentioned abt remembering abt a treat she was suppossed to give me. she kinda told me to set the date. which i did. was so excited and hopeful. FRI 12pm in town, i said. Alas, she's going back to school on that day and she said she'll call me again. Is she just jokin or what? It hurts to fall from such a height. But i'll keep climbing up and falling if she'll let me in.........


I wonder how long will she haunt me? I dun wanna scare her off and i wanna be frens. But the damn emotions keep coming in. I keep telling myself to be casual and chill. But i can't seem to. It seems hopeless, knowing she doesn't want a relationship.

What's a guy like me to do?