If I were to die in combat, I'd go down emptying my magazine into nothing than to just lay there cold dead and with a full magazine of ammunition.

I finally gave up and gathered enough balls to just tell Miss HG about how i felt. It was a disaster. haha i couldnt remember wat i wanted to say and my mind went blank but i came prepared with a letter. it took almost 45 mins and a walk ard her neighbourhood to get everything out of me. i gotta work on my balls and work even harder on being smooth man. sheesh.

Outcome of the battle:

1. Consolation Speech - "u're a great guy...sincere...funny..." blah blah blah more BS "but i'm still in love with my ex" great. OOPS.
2. She asked why i did this
3. She asked if it was the first time i told a girl i liked her ( YES!)
4. Don't worry, i wont avoid you. NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE. ( ok i read between the lines TOO well) :P
5. She took the letter i wrote in case i fucked myself up.
6. It looks bad, and i probably fucked my chances in the future but hey i feel my sanity coming and some sorta peace...... a numbing sort of peace though.....

oh well.
If i feel better it means i did the right thing right?

Wisdom comes with age. Maybe not.

i know i'll look back one day and know all this is so silly. But why do i still feel so much shit now? I know rationality has definitely taken a holiday, so let's just hope it comes back soon. Maybe i presume too much, maybe i think of the "what-ifs" too much or maybe i just hate "losing". I guess i'm too eager to please and put my heart right on the table.

The pressure of competition has made me do things that i wont normally do. or in that much of a hurry anyway. Fuck it. As a friend said, don't bother about the competition now cos if she likes him anyway then it wouldnt matter whether i was late or not, i wouldnt be a factor in her consideration anyway. I'm so glad to have friends to help me think rationally when i am simply unable to.

So much for bugging her with smses and not getting a reply when i attempt smalltalk. fug. ego crushed. haha. I'm gonna try to keep it real and be myself, no matter what happens. Afterall, I am the only constant factor in this equation. Lord, guide me as i face this struggle (which shouldn't have happened in the first place). Help me trust in You and be obedient to your will and plans.

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Sometimes i wonder, if i ever do learn from my mistakes. It seems that the kind of gals i "fall" for, come from a particular category (according to my friend: qian1 jin1 xiao2 jie3). And i always fall too fast. and same old same old: she's not as into me as i am into her....eg 15 hour lag time to reply to an sms.....(groans) I wish i could buy myself a set of Brembo brake calipers and HEL steel braided brake hoses to stop myself emotionally. Guess that explains why i am so obsessed with modification of stuff - cos i can't modify my own being!

I've got to get a grip on myself, seriously be self-sufficient and enjoy my own company (as whack as that sounds). These attractions should just be attractions, and i should not act on these attractions. Until i have sorted myself out. I.E financially, spiritually and academically!

I just wish harmless attractions would just.....stay the way they are: HARMLESS attractions. Meanwhile i gotta understand why i attract the wrong kind of attention: the friend of an ex-chase, the sister of that same ex-chase have something on for me! Maybe my wires and my fate paths are just crossed and messy. sheesh.