Dear Animal abuser,

It is people like you who make me wonder, who the real “animals” out there are. A defenseless cat, who was friendly and playful, is now a victim of your mindless, inhumane and utterly savage attack. And to be very honest, I feel much rage inside of me. Part of me wants to tear you apart and tear your limbs out one at a time and subject you to various acts of violence that hope to come up with to treat you with the same regard you have with animals. But, I’m different from you. I have respect for life even though I have absolutely no respect for you and I am not the savage you are. I wonder what really goes on in your head and how were you brought up, the kinds of experiences you must have gone through that developed you into such a sadistic motherfucker. Whoever you are, I DO NOT forgive you even though I am trying hard to hold back and not kill you. I will act as a gentleman and a civilized one at that.

But that doesn’t mean if I eventually find out who you are, I promise you a good dosage of violence….on you this time round. And I’ll make sure you never get to do these horrible things again. I want you to be caged up like an animal, not deserving the humanity that humans deserve. And by the way, you really should see a shrink.

BIKERS DESERVE SOME RESPECT TOO.

I may not be a leather clad and tattooed Harley rider with long hair, but i sure do identify with this little poem. Drivers, please take a little time to read and think hard about it.

A Biker's Poem from a Vmax site: -

I saw you,
hug your purse closer to you in the grocery store line.
But, you didn't see me,
put an extra $10.00 in the collection plate last Sunday.

I saw you,
pull your child closer when we passed each other on the sidewalk.
But, you didn't see me,
playing Santa at the local mall.

I saw you,
change your mind about going into the restaurant.
But, you didn't see me,
attending a meeting to raise more money for the hurricane relief.

I saw you,
roll up your window and shake your head when I drove by.
But, you didn't see me,
driving behind you when you flicked your cigarette
butt out the car window.

I saw you,
frown at me when I smiled at your children.
But, you didn't see me,
when I took time off from work to run toys to the homeless.

I saw you,
stare at my long hair.
But, you didn't see me,
and my friends cut ten inches off for Locks of Love.

I saw you,
roll your eyes at our leather coats and gloves.
But, you didn't see me,
and my brothers donate our old coats and gloves to those that had none.

I saw you,
look in fright at my tattoos.
But, you didn't see me,
cry as my children where born and have their name written over and in
my
heart.

I saw you,
change lanes while rushing off to go somewhere.
But, you didn't see me,
going home to be with my family.

I saw you,
complain about how loud and noisy our bikes can be.
But, you didn't see me,
when you were changing the CD and drifted into my lane.

I saw you,
yelling at your kids in the car.
But, you didn't see me,
pat my child's hands, knowing he was safe behind me.

I saw you,
reading the newspaper or map as you drove down the road.
But, you didn't see me,
squeeze my wife's leg when she told me to take the next turn.

I saw you,
race down the road in the rain.
But, you didn't see me,
get soaked to the skin so my son could have the car to go on his date.

I saw you,
run the yellow light just to save a few minutes of time.
But, you didn't see me,
trying to turn right.

I saw you,
cut me off because you needed to be in the lane I was in.
But, you didn't see me,
leave the road.

I saw you,
waiting impatiently for my friends to pass.
But, you didn't see me.
I wasn't there.

I saw you,
go home to your family.
But, you didn't see me.
Because, I died that day you cut me off.

I was just a biker,.....
A person with friends and a family.
But, you didn't see me.

I IS A STAR!!!!!

my very own comic strip made by Mama Lemon. The concept was mine even though execution and the shooting wasnt done by me.


>>>The Frog Princess
a Mama Lemon production
screenplay by SimpleJoe
casting by SimpleJoe
based on the book The Frog Prince

visit the official movie website: http://no-girl-frog-oso-can.com

If I were to die in combat, I'd go down emptying my magazine into nothing than to just lay there cold dead and with a full magazine of ammunition.

I finally gave up and gathered enough balls to just tell Miss HG about how i felt. It was a disaster. haha i couldnt remember wat i wanted to say and my mind went blank but i came prepared with a letter. it took almost 45 mins and a walk ard her neighbourhood to get everything out of me. i gotta work on my balls and work even harder on being smooth man. sheesh.

Outcome of the battle:

1. Consolation Speech - "u're a great guy...sincere...funny..." blah blah blah more BS "but i'm still in love with my ex" great. OOPS.
2. She asked why i did this
3. She asked if it was the first time i told a girl i liked her ( YES!)
4. Don't worry, i wont avoid you. NOTHING'S GONNA CHANGE. ( ok i read between the lines TOO well) :P
5. She took the letter i wrote in case i fucked myself up.
6. It looks bad, and i probably fucked my chances in the future but hey i feel my sanity coming and some sorta peace...... a numbing sort of peace though.....

oh well.
If i feel better it means i did the right thing right?

Wisdom comes with age. Maybe not.

i know i'll look back one day and know all this is so silly. But why do i still feel so much shit now? I know rationality has definitely taken a holiday, so let's just hope it comes back soon. Maybe i presume too much, maybe i think of the "what-ifs" too much or maybe i just hate "losing". I guess i'm too eager to please and put my heart right on the table.

The pressure of competition has made me do things that i wont normally do. or in that much of a hurry anyway. Fuck it. As a friend said, don't bother about the competition now cos if she likes him anyway then it wouldnt matter whether i was late or not, i wouldnt be a factor in her consideration anyway. I'm so glad to have friends to help me think rationally when i am simply unable to.

So much for bugging her with smses and not getting a reply when i attempt smalltalk. fug. ego crushed. haha. I'm gonna try to keep it real and be myself, no matter what happens. Afterall, I am the only constant factor in this equation. Lord, guide me as i face this struggle (which shouldn't have happened in the first place). Help me trust in You and be obedient to your will and plans.

untitled

Sometimes i wonder, if i ever do learn from my mistakes. It seems that the kind of gals i "fall" for, come from a particular category (according to my friend: qian1 jin1 xiao2 jie3). And i always fall too fast. and same old same old: she's not as into me as i am into her....eg 15 hour lag time to reply to an sms.....(groans) I wish i could buy myself a set of Brembo brake calipers and HEL steel braided brake hoses to stop myself emotionally. Guess that explains why i am so obsessed with modification of stuff - cos i can't modify my own being!

I've got to get a grip on myself, seriously be self-sufficient and enjoy my own company (as whack as that sounds). These attractions should just be attractions, and i should not act on these attractions. Until i have sorted myself out. I.E financially, spiritually and academically!

I just wish harmless attractions would just.....stay the way they are: HARMLESS attractions. Meanwhile i gotta understand why i attract the wrong kind of attention: the friend of an ex-chase, the sister of that same ex-chase have something on for me! Maybe my wires and my fate paths are just crossed and messy. sheesh.

Opportunity Cost

i gave up a chance to earn $100 to hang out with a chick and it turns out the chick has something on that day. No $, no chick. Sweet.

Quotable quote from my fren "Psycho Phil"'s MSN nick:

Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken

i sense a trend. is the joke really on me?

泪桥

无心过问你的心理我的吻
厌倦我的亏欠代替你所爱的人
这个时候
我心落花一样飘落下来
顿时我的视线
失去了色彩

知道你也一样不善于表白
想象你的相爱编织的谎言懈怠
甜美镜头
竟也落花一样飘落下来
从此我的生命
变成了尘埃

寂寞的人总是习惯寂寞的安稳
至少我们直线曾经交叉过
就像站在烈日骄阳大桥上
眼泪狂奔滴落在我的脸庞

the right kind of wrong

1) right girl. wrong time. wrong state of mind. but essentially two similiar souls.

2) wrong girl. right time. right state of mind. but 2 different souls.

3) wrong girls. neutral time. confused states of mind. just plain soul-less.

Royksopp - What Else Is There

It was me on that road
But you couldn`t see me
Too many lights out,
but nowhere near here

It was me on that road
Still you couldn`t see me
And then flashlights and explosions

Roads ends getting nearer
We cover distance but not together
I am the storm and I am the wonder
And the flashlights, nigthmares
And sudden explosions

I don't know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish

It's about you and the sun
A morning run
The story of my maker
What have I and what I ache for

I`ve got a golden ear I cut and I spear
And what else is there
Roads and getting nearer
We cover distance still not together

If I am the storm if I am the wonder
Will I have flashlights, nightmares
And sudden explosions

There is no room where I can go and
You`ve got secrets too

I don`t know what more to ask for
I was given just one wish


ask me for the song on MSN if you're interested.

You can tell me what you think at : http://kevan.org/johari?view=Lim+Peh

"wear your heart on your sleeve"

People who wear their heart on their sleeve express their emotions freely and openly, for all to see.

• Example: "She is kind of player who never hides how she's feeling. One look at her and you know if she's winning or losing." Reply: "She wears her heart on her sleeve."

You can see how these people feel as easily as if they were "wearing" their "heart" on the "sleeve" of their shirt.

• Example: "Some people love him and some people hate him, but my brother always lets you know how he feels. He wears his heart on his sleeve."

People who wear their heart on their sleeve do not hold back their emotions, for good or for bad. It is clear how they feel in each moment.

• Example: "She's a shy person. She's never been one to wear her heart on her sleeve."

An old fren whom i met up yesterday with mentioned that this was my greatest fault. Is this so? Hmmmmmm.........

i've moved on.

it's all cool now.

So, what’s next?

Ja-ja-ja-jaded......

Sorry to all my readers....the 4 or 5 of you actually lol.
I think i've gotta improve on my time management skills; i cant seem to have enough time to do everything i need to do... for example my list of (non-school) things to do

1. clean up my room and give it the "phuket resort" feel.
2.install my chinup bar
3.finish my class 2A
4. cleanup and re paint my scooter

Meanwhile, I'm less angry now i guess. Maybe i can't be bothered to think about the past anymore. Have tried to pray more often and be less of a thorn in His side heh but my bad habits are hard to break. But I feel so much more grateful and peaceful now. Thank goodness for my dear frens and cell group. I need you guys to slap me abit now and then, and thanks for reminding me that I'm only human.

K la, on a more light hearted note... i think i'm spending too much money... haha i blew 179 on a pair of freaking shoes from Zara. man i feel damn guilty now siah..... was gonna buy a watch too but i'm still thinking abt it. Am i becoming more materialistic? the watch, the shirt, the cufflinks, the shoes, the bike, the helmet, the crumpler..... strong is the presence of Consumerism in me :p

Its been raining lately, and i have almost forgottened how nice it is to stay in and nuah in bed. I especially love the smell of light rain in the wee hours of the morning. It smells so fresh and clean it makes me feel ....at peace heh.

See? I told you guys i blog better when i'm sad or angry la...... hahahahaha ;) someone teach me to put up pics and music leh... my blog is like how boring.....

Renewal

A sinner am I.
Caught up with the ways of the world am I.
The Devil's favour I can't deny.
I pray I don't end up in Hell and fry.

Resurrection

This blog has been dead for more than a year.
Many things have happened since.
A trip to KL for a month for work/fun, a whirlwind romance which made me rush all the way back to see a certain gal during the weekends of that particular month. A friendship that blossomed into a relationship. A relationship that failed because of "fundamental differences".

In a way, I have no more faith nor belief in this thing called "love" anymore. It has become some sort of a business deal. Security and collaterals are needed for exchange of "feelings/emotions/love". Gone are the days when love was unconditional. Its come to a point where its: "Dude, u aint got the drive for the finer things in life. i want the finer things in life. Its not gonna work out. Sorry."


Raw.
I watch the world with a new cynical eye,
i once thought without being loved i would die,
it hurts me so but i refuse to cry
if i could quote radiohead "Dun leave me high and dry".

Perhaps i ask too much from a girl,
to accept me as who i am as our story unfurls,
Alas it aint simple, i'm tangled in the curls
just me and my empty lil world.

So prove me wrong God, I'll try to trust in you
that the right one will come and make my heart feel new
but dun give me temporary fixes of synthetic romance
no more hurt i can take, so i'll build my fence.

Have decided to put everything behind me. And to awake from the perfect picture that my heart wants to paint for itself. Maybe i was just in love with the idea of her and i don't know the details of her. I can't just expect her goodness to rub off on me can I?

Here's a verse to remind myself of my inadequacies as a good and responsible life partner. Everythime i feel like i need someone in my life, I'll get bitch-slapped by this poem. Guys, are u feeling stressed yet? hah.


A Woman's Question
Lena Lathrop

Do you know you have asked for the costliest thing
Ever made by the Hand above?
A woman's heart, and a woman's life--
And a woman's wonderful love.

Do you know you have asked for this priceless thing
As a child might ask for a toy?
Demanding what others have died to win,
With the reckless dash of a boy.

You have written my lesson of duty out,
Manlike, you have questioned me.
Now stand at the bars of my woman's soul
Until I shall question thee.

You require your mutton shall always be hot,
Your socks and your shirt be whole;
I require your heart be true as God's stars
And as pure as His heaven your soul.

You require a cook for your mutton and beef,
I require a far greater thing;
A seamstress you're wanting for socks and shirts--
I look for a man and a king.
A king for the beautiful realm called Home,
And a man that his Maker, God,
Shall look upon as He did on the first
And say: "It is very good."

I am fair and young, but the rose may fade
From this soft young cheek one day;
Will you love me then 'mid the falling leaves,
As you did 'mong the blossoms of May?

Is your heart an ocean so strong and true,
I may launch my all on its tide?
A loving woman finds heaven or hell
On the day she is made a bride.

I require all things that are grand and true,
All things that a man should be;
If you give this all, I would stake my life
To be all you demand of me.

If you cannot be this, a laundress and cook
You can hire and little pay;
But a woman's heart and a woman's life
Are not to be won that way.

Nothing's changed. Everything's the same.
the lack of change is always in my game.
when everything's said and done
u just wish the end would come.

unable to move on,
trying hard not to be forlorn.
how long has it been,
i've lost count of the days and months.
its like that the same time of the year,
when the school term comes to end.

spring is over, summer is here

even with the bike, its hard to shift the focus
damn these emotions.
just leave me alone.
why must i feel the way i do?
fucking stupid - the way i waste my time and efforts on her...
i've been looking for a replacement distraction
but there ain't none as worthy
who am i to talk of worthy when there's nothing to talk abt in the first place?
beats me.
there'll be a time to lick my wounds and grow stronger.

spring is over, summer is here

~the emotional rollercoaster~

tried to call her twice on fri and left a sms. nothing was heard from her till sat where she unfortunately bumped into me and my fren tuanging at the bus blk lobby when we were having our LTB show and tell. I think she rather reluctantly walked over to make some small talk. Then she went up to see the carnival. She was having some gospel relay thingy with the CF-ers.

Had a bbq at a fren's place later that afternoon. She came later in the evening afer going to church. I felt that she didn't want to extend her conversation with me. Was rather cold towards me. I dunno. really dunno anymore.

Today, once again i really wanted to tell her. I tried calling her twice. at 3.15pm and at 5pm. well it's close to 9 and there ain no reply yet. i feel such burden on my chest and i can't think of anything else. If its meant to be beautiful, then why does it hurt me so?

I wanted to get it over with. i know the answer. i know where i'm heading. Spare me the anticipation. End my misery now. Bleeding away, i grow more weary of this emotional rollercoaster that she may or may not be unwittingly left me on.....

Thank goodness i've got my ciggs and alcohol to take the pain away later tonight.

*waiting to be in state of nonchalance

Top Of the World , Over the Moon

Wed 28/02
Asked her if i cld call her after telling her that i feel like a madman talking to myself when i'm chatting online with her. "sure" she said. She said she'd call instead. 49mins of bliss. haha tokked much abt nothing, NS, bikes, askin me to perform a song for her after hearing i preformed in pri sch and bmt, she called me, pretending to be a starhub person telling me my line's gonna be cut off. 49 mins and i forgot my mission: ask her when is my treat gonna be.... *shakes head

well. hope my song's nearer to perfection so that i can play to her on v dae/ windsurf day. how am i gonna pull her aside, and gather all that guts? and half a dozen roses..... hope i dun cop out man......

anyway, tokking to her gives me such a happy vibe. grinning like an idiot from ear to ear. Any ideas people? help!!!!

Friday Patron's Day

Took part in the tug-of-war for both the Mens and Mixed categories. Represented the Rugby team and kicked the Changi Boys' ass twice. Guess who made up the Changi Boys? Them boys from Hendon Camp. That felt better then the prize money of $20 bucks each. My frens and i also joined in as team "Faggots" in the mixed category. we won too. $40 bucks! money for a helmet hahahah. she had a lil performance with some band, playing some shaker thingy. she looked damn sweet lah in white and all.

After that i had some prize giving ceremony, poured champagne into a trophy and drank from it haha macam world cup. Then i had to run around with two helium ballons as my tits, a helmet over my face (full-faced) and a styrofaom guitar (from a float competition) and ran ard like an idiot. in front of her too. hahah
there was a foam party without alcohol went in with frens but she didn't come in cos she was in white... haizz

Saturday Godsis' BBQ

had a bbq, godsis tried to hook me up with this chick doing some occupational therapy thingy. was too shy to talk to her. she came up to me to talk. but it was damn wierd whenur church frens , godparents and godsis are egging u on. but really, i was just hooked onto someone.damn.

Sunday Flea Market in skool

she was there but i had already left. was raising fund to start the catholic society in skool. oh well. talked to her at night (online) i asked if i cld call her, she said no. haiz.

Monday

sat beside her in the library. talked to her for a while. abt bikes, abt her new laptop. touched her head while talking.... where did the balls come from man? i sure wished they came more often.

Episode X : A New Hope?

Called her for the first time today. was after my Debrief for the Adventure Jamboree ( some one day camp for JC ppl).
It rang like 5 times then i hung up (Talk abt hum chee). She called back. She said i wasn't doing a good job disturbing her. (I told her i would call her instead of SMS-ing her cos she takes too long to reply and to disturb her from her sleep). Talked a lil kok. Wasn't much but was happy. She was like already at the busstop, but i din have a chance to talk to her cos my bus was here.

Right now i'm tearing the skin of my fingers trying to learn to play the guitar. (all because she thought some guys who preformed at the lobby of the bus Block were cool) Anyway it's another skill that i shd have picked up to impress them gals. That and cooking.

I feel a lil hopeful now but will she avoid me again? A close fren of hers told me that she was afraid to be left alone with me last year when i was mounting my attack.... think i have to stop behaving like an Infantryman and quit "charging"......

High and Dry

Blog was dead for a long time. I've finally decided to update it after almost all of Membas have a blog now.
The vacation was a blast. althogh i didn't do much.

Main highlights of the vacation:

1. Beach party at an undisclosed location. This time Membas ( yes, all of us finally) had swollenblink and Mr Army Regular. Was damn drunk, puked like 3 times. After 5 years of not puking, i realised why i dun drink so much.

2. Went to phuture a few times. She was there too once, came late, left early. drank coke. hated my Kilkenny. But she looked fabulous!!! So much for forgetting abt her. It's coming back to haunt me. Will it ever go away?

3. Christmas was boring. Went to queensway to finally get my engineered jeans. went home for dinner with the folks. then to church. saw couples everywhere. made me feel even worse, more aware of my loneliness. The void within was slowly growing.

4. went to a fren's place for a christmas gathering. saw Her again. Head over heels again. she was beside me for a brief period of 5 minutes cause i was late for the lunch thingy. A fren who knows abt my thing for Her said we looked compatible. More wishful thoughts.....

5. Asked her out on new year's eve. was already out with frens. she mentioned abt remembering abt a treat she was suppossed to give me. she kinda told me to set the date. which i did. was so excited and hopeful. FRI 12pm in town, i said. Alas, she's going back to school on that day and she said she'll call me again. Is she just jokin or what? It hurts to fall from such a height. But i'll keep climbing up and falling if she'll let me in.........


I wonder how long will she haunt me? I dun wanna scare her off and i wanna be frens. But the damn emotions keep coming in. I keep telling myself to be casual and chill. But i can't seem to. It seems hopeless, knowing she doesn't want a relationship.

What's a guy like me to do?

溫柔 (五月天)

走在風中 今天陽光 突然好溫柔
天的溫柔 地的溫柔 像你抱著我
然後發現 你的改變 孤單的今後
如果冷 該怎麼渡過
天邊風光 身邊的我 都不在你眼中
你的眼中 藏著什麼 我從來都不懂
沒有關係 你的世界 就讓你擁有
不打擾是我的溫柔
不知道 不明了 不想要 為什麼 我的心
明明是想靠近 卻孤單到黎明
不知道 不明了 不想要 為什麼 我的心
那愛情的綺麗 總是在孤單里
再把我的最好的愛給你
不知不覺 不情不愿 又到巷子口
我沒有哭 也沒有笑 因為這是夢
沒有預兆 沒有理由 你真的都說過
如果有就讓你自由 自由 這是我的溫柔

Tenderness ( Mayday)

Walk in the wind, today's sunlight, a sudden tenderness
The sky's tenderness, the earth's tenderness, like you embracing me
And then to discover you've changed, I'm alone from now on
How would I go on if it gets cold?
The horizon's light, I'm at your side but not even in your eyes
What are your eyes hiding? I have never understood
It doesn't matter, I'll let you have your own world
Not disturbing you is my tenderness
I don't know, don't understand, don't want, why, my heart
Obviously it wants intimacy, yet I'm lonely until dawn
I don't know, don't understand, don't want, why, my heart
That love's beauty is always all alone
I'll give you my best love again
Unwittingly, unwillingly, I'm at the the entrance of this alley again
I haven't cried, yet haven't laughed, because this is a dream
There was no sign, no reason, you've really said it all
If I gave you freedom ~freedom~ that would be my tenderness

~ ~ ~

now i'm being ignored
just great
maybe it make me think lessor of a person than i think she is
after all it's all in my head
can't be that bad right?

my fren S told me that i have got to love myself before i can love someone
hmmm.........

I Can't Make You Love Me lyrics - George Michael

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me If you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart, and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

I'll close my eyes and then I won't see
The love you do not feel, when you're holding me
Morning will come, and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then, to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

And I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
And here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no, you won't
And I can't make you love me
If you don't

Ain't no use in you trying
It's no good for me baby without love
All my tears, all these years, everything I believed in
Baby
Oh yeah
Someone's gonna love me


Move on man, move on
guess i have to move on now.
there's no way that i can change myself or what she thinks about me.
i hope i learn from this hurt. cos it really does cut deep.
Sometimes i wonder, if He is taunting me.
She's right infront of me, but there's nothing i can do.
so helpless, so trapped, so hopeless.

I've enuff of this bullshit.
No one's gonna cause me shit like this anymore.
No one's gonna come into my life and mess me no more.
They all can bugger off.
And leave me alone to find my own peace.
The peace within.

More Shit Happens!!!

And i thought my blog would have died.
Another month into SMU, and shit is still happening to me.
I just got my hopes crushed by my crush. Found out last night that the feeling isn't quite mutual. heh what else is new?
All that waiting for her to come online, pineing for her, trying to mix with her people and all that thinking of what to say to her.... all amounts to nothing.

a pal in smu whom, i'll call L offered the best advice to me. I was being superficial and i'm jumping right into it. Hmm looks like i have lots to learn.... still.

feeling rotten and empty.... quite a change from having internal conflicts that were eating me up....
at least now i know i have to let go.
Maybe its better this way. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

What the heck? who needs this shit anyway? (warning! self denial mode activated!)

I hope this thing for her dies soon... and save myself from further embarassment.

Alone again naturally.

P.S i made the mistake of asking her out. there was no reply.
Great.
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Wassup?
First entry.... i've always thought that it was silly to blog but look what peer pressure did to me! All u Pig Pals Dog Friends ( chinese loosely translated ).

Oh well. gotta get back to my financial acctg class now. later.